A Colorful Group
by punkiemonkie
Summary: When Tifa invites her friends over to help her design her MySpace they start telling each other what they really think about each of their friends…and some of it isn’t pretty. --Oneshot. Some Cloud/Tifa. Rated for mild language and some suggestive themes-


**(A.N.) **Okay, so this is my second FFVII story (I say second because I have an unfinished one that I began writing before this one) but this one is purely humor. There is some _major _character bashing in this, but it's all in good fun. I firmly believe that the people who can make fun of something are the ones who truly love it, thus I make fun of all my favorite characters! The one thing that is made fun of that I really don't like is MySpace…but that's a whole other story… Anyway, it takes place after Dirge of Cerberus and there are some mild spoilers for the game as well as Advent Children…you have been warned. On that note, please enjoy my randomness!

**A Colorful Group**

It was a quiet afternoon in Tifa's usually crowded bar, Seventh Heaven. Most days the bar was filled with dozens of customers either looking for a drink or hoping to catch a glimpse of the cute barmaid. But today Tifa had chosen to close the bar for a very special occasion. Tifa had recently created a MySpace account for the sole purpose of taking and posting pictures of herself in hopes that some random guy on the internet would give her a 'you're sexy' comment, thus boosting her very low self esteem. But Tifa also wanted to add information about her real-life friends on her MySpace, so she had invited them all over to help her come up with accurate descriptions of each of them.

So all seven of her closest friends now sat around the bar, the same group who had helped her and her closest friend, Cloud, save the world several times before. Even two of the Turks had showed up. Each of them were unique, some nearly strange, but she loved them all dearly. She looked around at all the faces, everyone had shown up: Barret, Cid, Vincent, Yuffie, Red XIII, Cait Sith, Reno, Rude and Cloud, who had no choice but to show up to the event since he lived there with her. She turned to her friends, trying to silence the small talk among them as she began to speak.

"So, guys…" she began slowly, but stopped short when she realized no one was listening to her because they were all too busy talking to each other. She raised her voice slightly and tried once again to get their attention. "Guys!" Tifa nearly shouted, but still none of them would listen to her. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!" she finally yelled at the top of her lungs, slamming her hands down on the bar in front of her for emphasis.

This got all of their attention quickly and each of them turned to stare and blink wide-eyed over at Tifa in surprise of her uncharacteristic outburst. Happy to have their attention, Tifa cleared her throat and continued with what she had to say.

"Now then," she began, now completely calm, "I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you all to come here today…" When she was met with some quizzical glances she continued quickly to her point. "You see, the other day I decided to make myself a MySpace and I wanted to make a blog about all of you guys to show everyone on the internet what cool friends I have. The problem is, I've been having trouble coming up with ways to describe some of you…so I thought maybe you could help me. What are some words you would use to describe yourselves?"

A low murmur erupted from the crowd, each of them trying to voice what they thought of themselves at once. "Cool…strong…tall…smart…funny…" Way too many phrases were coming at her all at once and Tifa thought she even heard the word 'sexy' from Vincent. A new plan in mind, she quieted them down and started over.

"Okay, maybe we should just do one person at a time." Her friends nodded in agreement. "Cloud, how about we start with you? I _have_ known you the longest." Tifa suggested looking over at the blond man sitting in a cushioned chair across the room from her in the living area that was connected to the bar.

"Um…okay." Cloud agreed slowly, a bit nervous from having the spotlight put on him and wondering what his friends really thought of him.

"Cloud's a big emo." proclaimed Yuffie who was perched on the back of the sofa in the middle of the group. All eyes shifted from the young ninja over to Cloud who looked like he was trying to contain confusion at her choice of words.

"What the heck does that mean?" Cloud asked after a moment of silence. Cid was the one to answer his question.

"It means you're a moody little bastard." the pilot informed him before taking another giant gulp of the alcoholic beverage Tifa had served him earlier, finishing it off; the second bottle he had downed to be exact.

"Cid!" Tifa scolded the older man, afraid he would hurt Cloud's feelings, though he wasn't saying anything.

"Cid's right." Barret agreed, turning to Cloud. "You're always on some big guilt trip about your past sins…saving the world ought to be enough to atone for whatever it is you done…get over it already, man!"

Cloud looked shocked, to say the least, but he still said nothing. Maybe hearing all of this had rendered him speechless.

"Cloud's emotional issues aside," Yuffie said, speaking up again, "What's up with that _outfit_?" she asked motioning towards Cloud.

Cloud peered down at his clothes…they seemed pretty normal to him. The black pants and dark blue sleeveless shirt he always wore. What was wrong with that? Yuffie soon informed him.

"I mean, do you have a problem with symmetry or something? One side of your clothes doesn't match the other side…what's up with _that_?" The rest of the group stared at Cloud, observing that Yuffie was indeed on to something. "You have one earring, one sleeve, one shoulder guard, one little cloth thingy on your pants, and your gloves are uneven for crying out loud!" Everyone continued to stare at Cloud, realizing that Yuffie was right.

"Hey Cloud," Vincent began, effectively distracting him from Yuffie's rant, "Didn't you loose your sleeve during your fight with Kadaj a year ago?" he inquired, seeming to be honestly interested in the answer.

Cloud cocked a blond eyebrow, trying to figure out what Vincent was getting at. "Uh…yeah. He cut a pretty big hole in it so I just tore the whole thing off. Why?"

"Because you're wearing it today." Vincent accused him, eyeing the piece of cloth on his arm. The rest of the group finally understood Vincent's angle. If Cloud had discarded the sleeve when it got ripped, how was it attached to his shirt today? They all looked at Cloud, waiting for his answer.

"I have forty seven of the exact same outfit." Cloud informed them seriously. Everyone was frozen, caught between laughing and being confused, not sure if he was kidding or not.

"It's true…" Tifa clarified for them. "I do his laundry."

The group mumbled a confused "Okaaaay…" and decided to let the bizarre subject go.

"At least that's better than what you wore when you came to save me from Don Corneo…" Tifa trailed off, smiling at the humorous memory. Within a matter of seconds Cloud's face was completely red with embarrassment. Everyone was looking at him, trying to figure out what Tifa was talking about.

"Tifa, please!" Cloud begged her to keep his humiliating past between them. "You promised you'd never tell anyone!"

Tifa sighed. "Oh, fine..." Tifa complied, crossing her arms. Cloud seemed to visibly relax, his blush fading a bit before Tifa chose to keep talking. "Even if it was a very pretty dre-"

"Tifa!" Cloud yelled to cut her off, mortification heating his cheeks once again as he sank into his chair, covering his face with his hands. That was a memory that only he, Tifa and their now-diseased friend Aerith knew about, and one that he was not willing to discuss with anyone else. Dressing up as a woman was humiliating for him when it happened, and it didn't help that every man who saw him was coming on to him. That was something he did _not_ want to relive.

"I'm not even going to ask…" Vincent said, shaking his head slowly like he knew what Tifa had meant.

"Me neither, but don't even get me started on your hair…" Yuffie continued in her rant, rolling her eyes.

Suddenly Cloud jumped up from his seat, fists clenched. "What's wrong with my hair?!" he shouted, defensive for the first time. They could attack his attitude and his clothes, but _no one _was going to talk badly about his hair and get away with it.

"Cloud, your hair is beautiful, sit down." Tifa said calmly, trying to smooth the situation over.

"Cloud's got a chocobo head." Barret said matter-of-factly, crossing his arms across his chest. It was true; Cloud's hair did look a lot like one of the giant yellow birds.

Cloud let out a squeak of surprise and disgust, not heeding Tifa's advice to sit back down. "Wha-?! It does not!" he yelled in his own defense.

"Now that you mention it, it kind of _does_ look like a chocobo…" Red added thoughtfully from his place curled up on the sofa, somehow not catching it on fire with his tail.

Yuffie continued on her tirade. "Seriously Cloud, how much gel do you put in your hair to get it to stick up like that?" she asked, more accusing that inquiring.

"I don't use gel, it does this by itself!" Cloud protested, clearly getting tired of everyone teasing him.

Before Cloud could say anymore or get any angrier, Tifa stepped in. Crossing the room in a hurry, she stepped in front of Cloud and put a firm hand on his chest, pushing him back down to resume his place in the chair. She took her own place in his lap, effectively calming him down some although she was sure she could hear him growling behind her.

"Okay, let's talk about something else…" Tifa suggested, trying to break the tension in the room.

Reno decided to break the little moment of peace. "We could talk about how his huge sword is clearly compensation for his small-"

"Hey!" Cloud yelled, cutting Reno's vulgar statement short, though most of the group still snickered, all except for Rude who had barely said a word since they arrived.

"Okay, you know what; let's just move on to someone else." Tifa urged them, hoping for some less disgusting subject matter. "Barret, how about you?"

"Awright." Barret agreed. "But if anyone says any shit about my gun-arm I swear I'll rip 'em a new one!" he added as a warning to his friends.

Everyone seemed a bit reluctant to speak up, so Cloud took his turn to voice his opinions about one of his friends, relieved not to have the spotlight on him anymore.

"Barret takes steroids." Cloud said offhandedly, looking up in time to see Barret's eyes nearly pop out of his skull though he said nothing at the moment, his words caught in his throat in surprise at Cloud's boldness. When Barret did finally say something, he was shouting so loud it hurt their ears.

"The hell did you say?!" he demanded, taking a step forward. He _was_ the biggest of the group, not just tall but frighteningly muscular. The tattoo that wrapped around his massive bicep bulged with every motion of his arm, the veins there standing out and making Cloud's statement seem pretty believable.

"Come on Barret, no one gets that ripped just from working out…you had to have a little _help_, right?" Cloud persisted with a smart-ass grin.

"Can it, Strife!" Barret shouted, pointing an angry finger in Cloud's direction.

Reno ignored Barret's anger and decided to pester him some more. "You know what that stuff does to your _junk_, right?" the red headed Turk said grinning, earning a small giggle from Yuffie.

Cid laughed as well, adding, "Yeah, Barret's the one who's gonna' have to compensate."

Tifa, who was still sitting comfortably in Cloud's lap, gave him a small nudge in the stomach with her elbow, not happy that he had brought up this awkward subject. Cloud didn't seem to mind though, even cracking a smile at Cid's comment. Barret fumed but refused to say anymore about the matter as Vincent spoke up again.

"Steroids aside, it wouldn't kill you to wear a real shirt once in a while Barret." Vincent said placidly, taking a swig from the bottle of whiskey he had been sipping on since Tifa had given it to him when he arrived. Like Cid, Vincent seemed to enjoy a good drink once in awhile, though he enjoyed it far less often than Cid.

The group now eyed the vest and fish-net undershirt the large man in question was wearing. Barret gave a low grunt in response, telling them he had nothing more to say about the matter, a choice possibly influenced by the fact that his daughter, Marlene, who was living with Cloud and Tifa, was just up stairs and would be able to hear anything he said. Sensing this, Tifa decided to let him off the hook and move on.

"Cid, do you want to?" she asked watching the older man for his answer.

"Sure, why not?" he replied in his usual carefree way. As he waited for someone to speak up he carefully pushed a disintegrated cigarette into the ashtray on the bar, and then proceeded to retrieve another one from the box in his pocket, light it and pop it into his mouth.

"Chain-smoker." Vincent observed casually.

Cid didn't seem to care. "Meh…Can't help it." he answered as if it hadn't been an insult, taking a long drag from his new cigarette and exhaling a puff of smoke into the air around him.

"Cid's a drunk too." Yuffie accused coldly, surveying the row of empty bottles on the bar next to the stool where he sat, though the pilot didn't even seem the least bit tipsy. He was the type of man who could hold down a drink, probably because he had been drinking for so many years. Again Cid absorbed the rude comment about him with dignity, surprising the other's by his lack of interest.

"Hey, I may drink all the time but that doesn't mean I get drunk very often." Cid pointed out without sounding defensive at all.

"Maybe that's because you're constantly drunk?" Cloud suggested with a small chuckle.

"Hmm…Maybe so…" Cid pondered, stoking his scruffy chin and seeming to seriously consider the idea rather than take offense to it.

"Cid's got the foulest mouth I've ever heard!" Cait said, speaking up for the first time and covering his furry ears to emphasize his statement. Cid only chuckled in response, knowing full well that he was right. If anyone could cuss colorfully, it was Cid.

"Yeah, Cid talks tough but he's a big sucker for his Shera." Barret said mockingly, referring to Cid's wife, the scientist who had helped him with his piloting ambitions and also the woman Cid had named his newest airship after. That comment struck a nerve with Cid, the kind of man who hated being bossed around by a woman or letting anyone think that he was. It was true that he loved his wife and would do anything for her, but having one of his friends tease him about it was not going to fly.

"What the #$+& does that mean?!" Cid shouted angrily, proving Cait Sith's point about his foul mouth.

"It means you let your woman boss you around." Rude elaborated, breaking his usual silence.

"I do not!" Cid yelled, slamming one of his bottles down on the bar and causing it's contents to splash out onto the counter. "I don't let no woman tell me what to do!" he shouted louder, proper English failing him.

"Please Cid," Yuffie broke in, "You follow Shera around like a lost puppy doing anything she tells you to do."

Suddenly, Cid lost his reserve, stood up and shouted at the top of his lungs: "You're all #$&+#$#(+!!! I oughta' #($+#& your $&#(#&$+!!!" he paused his string of profanities to take a breath, and then continued. "And another thing, #$&)+$&($&#)#+#$#$!!!" he finally finished, leaving everyone speechless and wide-eyed.

Denzel and Marlene, who had come down from their room upstairs, were standing in on the edge of the stairs and heard the end of Cid's mouthful of swearing. Both of the children silently turned to retreat back to their room, having been scarred for life by Cid's foul language.

Pleased to have that out of his system, Cid calmly sat back down on the stool by the bar, drinking another mouthful from one of his bottles.

Yuffie was the first to break the awkward silence. "I think my ears are bleeding…" she complained putting her hands over them.

"Damn Cid…" Cloud said slowly, not knowing how to react to nearly thirty seconds of the worst language he had ever heard in his life. Even Barret and Reno were stunned, both of them being known to use bad language frequently, but nothing like Cid.

"I told you lads…" Cait said, confirming his earlier accusation. Tifa, regaining her speech, tried to change the subject, as the subject, Cid, was clearly pissed.

"Vincent, do you mind?" she asked politely, receiving a nod from the dark-haired man who was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room. Vincent was always calm and collected, very rarely showing any kind of emotion at all. It was going to take quite a bit of provoking to get a rise out of him.

"I've always thought he was a vampire." Barret stated simply, earning a few giggles from the others. Vincent, on the other hand, only seemed the least bit interested in Barret's controversial comment, barely raising an eyebrow.

"You _do_ have a few vampire-ish qualities, Vince." Tifa said slowly, not wanting to offend him.

"Like what?" Vincent asked, now showing the slightest bit of interest.

"Oh come on man, like you don't know!" Cid said, speaking up for the first time since his vulgar outburst a few minutes earlier.

Reno explained it to him. "Dude, you've got jet-black hair, red eyes, you're the palest person I've ever met, and on top of that you walk around wearing a red cape! Come on Valentine, that just screams 'vampire'!" Reno paused for a moment before adding. "You know, so does the name _'Vincent Valentine'_…" he continued thoughtfully.

Vincent stood in silence, all of that sort of _did_ make him sound like a vampire, not he was about to admit it to any of them.

"Weren't you born on October 13th, _Friday_ the 13th?" Red asked him slowly. That part was true.

"Yeah, and we _did_ find you in a coffin where you were sleeping for twenty three years…and not aging…or dying for that matter…" Cloud added.

Vincent seemed to seriously consider this, but didn't seem the least bit irritated as he replied. "A result of the experiments performed on me…" Vincent looked away from the eyes of his friends that were on him; this was not a subject he enjoyed discussing with anyone.

"But why lie in a coffin for twenty three years?" Cloud asked him with honest curiosity.

"Atoning for my sins." Vincent stated flatly.

"You should understand that, emo-boy." Reno said wisely, receiving a glare from Cloud. He ignored the angry blond and continued. "Hey Vince, can you turn into a bat?"

Vincent sighed deeply. "…No."

"Damn," Reno lamented. "That would be so cool…"

"You all leave poor Vinny alone!" Yuffie shouted suddenly, earning a very confused look from Vincent. "I happen to _like_ his hair, and eyes and his fuzzy cape!"

"Why are you getting so defensive about him Yuffie?" Barret asked.

"Because I love him!" she shouted breathlessly.

Everyone gasped in unison, utterly taken aback by Yuffie's declaration. Then they all turned to Vincent, waiting for his reaction.

"You irritate the hell out of me, woman." Vincent said without looking at her, being completely and brutally honest. The crowd turned back to Yuffie who looked heartbroken and maybe even on the edge of tears. No one said anything, all of them quietly watching the pathetic scene play out. When Yuffie finally decided to speak again, her voice was barely audible.

"W-why…?" she asked solemnly, still staring in Vincent's direction though he was looking away.

"Well for one," Vincent started to answer, finally looking at her but with a scowl on his face. "You called me _Vinny_." he finished, exaggerating the last word with disgust. "Two: you are _the most hyper girl on the planet_. You _never_ shut up!" That was most definitely true…the whole group knew it, Vincent had just been the one to say it out loud.

Instead of getting upset and running away crying like everyone figured she would, Yuffie just stuck her tongue out at Vincent, who ignored her, and plopped down on the main part of the sofa, next to Red.

"That and you're a kleptomaniac." Cloud added with a small grin.

The group of friends grew silent and nodded, recalling how they had chased the ninja girl across the continents when she had stolen all of their materia when they first met her and run back to her home in Wutai. Tifa broke the silence, trying to get back on track for what they were _supposed_ to be doing: giving _friendly_ descriptions of each other for her MySpace blog, not making fun of each other like they were.

"Okay, so…so far we've got: Cloud's and emo, Barret takes steroids, Cid's a drunk, Vincent's a vampire and Yuffie is hyper." Tifa summed up their conversation, leaving out some of the more offensive accusations. The group nodded in agreement; that sounded about right. "Cait Sith, how about you next? There _is_ something that I've always wanted to know about you." Tifa continued, looking over at the stuffed-animal cat.

"What's that, lass?" Cait asked, wondering what Tifa could possibly want to know about him, a former Shinra spy.

"Why do you have a Scottish accent?" Tifa asked, tilting her head to the side in curiosity. "I mean, Reeve controls you right? And _he_ doesn't have an accent…"

"Hey, you're right!" Cloud agreed with Tifa, realization hitting him.

"Now that you mention it, that _is_ sort of strange…" Yuffie pondered, putting a finger to her lips in consideration.

"How could a stuffed-animal have its own accent?" Reno wondered, looking over at Rude who stood faithfully at his side.

"I really don't know…" Cait admitted, scratching his head thoughtfully, his drawl seeming more prominent since Tifa had pointed it out. In the silence that followed, Red let out a big yawn that sounded more like a growl, causing everyone to look at him, and more questions to surface.

"Hey Red," Cid spoke up looking at the lion-like creature who was curled up on the sofa, clearly enjoying Yuffie patting him on the head. "How come your tail don't catch anything on fire?" Red looked up at Cid, and turned around to look at his flaming tail. Though it appeared to constantly be on fire, nothing it touched was ever set ablaze.

"A mystery of my kind…" Red replied leaving everyone thoroughly confused.

Without any warning, Reno came from behind Red and dumped the drink he had been holding all over the end of Red's tail, dousing the flame until it stopped burning completely. All that was left at the end of his tail was a stub, like a lion missing the furry end of his tail. Everyone was shocked, Red looked hurt and Reno looked quite satisfied.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" Red finally managed to shout at the Turk standing in front of him with an empty glass.

"Well that proves it." Reno said, putting his hands on his hips. "His tail can't be real fire. That was alcohol. The flame wouldn't have gone out, it would've gotten bigger." he informed them, feeling quite knowledgeable.

"Maybe it was fire magic." Barret suggested.

"You're missing the point here," Red interrupted, sounding quite upset. "Part of my tail is gone!" he shrieked, motioning towards the stub with his paw.

"I've got an idea…" Cid said as he approached Red and kneeled down in front of him. With one hand he picked up Red's tail and with the other he flicked on his lighter, pressing the small flame to the end of the stub. An instant later it caught fire, looking exactly how it did before, stunning everyone. Cid smiled, pleased with his work, as he stood and returned to his place at the bar.

Red just sighed. "Could we _please_ move on to someone else?" he pleaded. Yuffie resumed her petting of Red's head and ears, obviously feeling some sort of pity for him.

"Reno, Rude, how about you two?" Tifa suggested, looking over at the two suit-clad Turks.

"What, you mean Rufus Shinra's lackeys?" Barret scoffed.

The Turks, a specialized team that worked for the President, used to be the enemies of the rebel group AVALANCHE which Barret, Tifa and Cloud had belonged to. After their assistance during the crisis with Kadaj and the return of Sephiroth, the group had come to a truce with them and even accepted them as friends, though Barret had been a bit less forgiving than the others.

"If by 'lackey' you mean that we work for him, then yes." Reno replied, scowling at the large man with the intimidating gun-arm.

"Come on, you guys wait on him hand and foot…you push him around in his wheelchair for God's sake!" Cid accused while lighting yet another cigarette.

"Yeah, and I'm pretty sure he can walk on his own too…" Cloud speculated, remembering the few times he had seen Rufus on his feet without so much as a cane.

"I think he's just lazy so he makes you guys push him around." Vincent added to Clouds theory with what could have _almost_ qualified as a smirk, as much as was possible for him.

Rude straightened his tie and Reno cleared his throat; neither of them was going to dignify that theory with a response so everyone else was left to wonder if it was true or not.

"Hey Rude," Tifa said slowly, getting his attention. "What's the deal with your sunglasses? You're _always_ wearing them." she said, trying not to sound like she was making fun of him, but failing miserably.

Rude just shrugged, knowing Tifa was right but being a man of few words, he said nothing. He _was _always wearing what had become his trademark glasses. Day or night, inside or outside; Rude wearing his glasses was a constant.

Cloud then decided to bring up another point about the duo. "Are you two attached at the hip or something?" he asked the two Turks. "You're _always _together. I don't think I've ever seen one of you without the other."

"We're partners." Reno said as if it should have been obvious that was the reason he and Rude were always at each other's side.

"_Partners_, eh? Now what does _that_ mean?" Cid said smirking, implying that Reno and Rude's relationship as a bit more than platonic. The rest of the group chuckled.

"What are you trying to say?!" Reno growled. The comment clearly enraged him, though Rude only looked the least bit irritated and kept his composure.

"I think you know what I mean." Cid laughed again.

"It's not like that! We work together, that's it! He doesn't _mean _anything to me!" Reno yelled defensively. Suddenly Rude's composure faltered and he looked quite hurt, hanging his head. Reno took notice of this change and turned to him sympathetically. "Come on Rude. You know I didn't mean it like that." he said quietly, seeming to know exactly what his fellow Turk was thinking. Rude still refused to look at him, occupying himself with staring at the ground. "Don't be like that. You know you're my friend. We're still buddies, right?" Reno said, trying to reassure him. At this, Rude finally looked up, showing a small smile from behind his glasses.

Reno sighed, happy to be forgiven, before he noticed that everyone in the room had witnessed the incident and was now staring at him. He coughed nervously, trying to get someone to change the subject. Luckily for Reno, Yuffie came to his rescue.

"One another note, Reno is a total pervert." Yuffie remarked, watching as Reno's grin returned.

"That part's true…" Reno said, quickly forgetting Cid's insult and Rude's moodiness to return to his usual self.

"Why are you always coming on to Tifa?" Vincent asked the red head casually.

Tifa's cheeks flushed, remembering all of the times Reno had tried to hit on her over the years. Cloud's arm hooked protectively around her waist as if to warn everyone that she was his, and anyone who thought differently was facing the very real possibility of his sword at their throat.

"That's just the way I am." Reno clarified. "For me, life is about two things: beer and boobs." he said, wiggling his eyebrows at Tifa who hid her face in Cloud's shoulder out of embarrassment.

"Watch it Reno." Cloud growled, clearly not amused with Reno's antics.

"You mess with Tifa and I'll deal with you myself." Barret threatened, his parental instincts for the young woman kicking in. Reno held up his hands as a sign of surrender: a very wise choice on his part.

"It's not like they're _real_." Yuffie said, motioning towards Tifa's chest.

Tifa looked up from Cloud's shoulder, looking even more embarrassed than before. "What are you talking about?" she asked innocently.

"Oh _please_, Tifa. No one has a waist that small and breasts that big; not real ones anyway." Yuffie scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"Maybe you're just _jealous_, Yuffie." Reno said with a snicker.

Before Reno had time to react, Yuffie was on her feet and standing in front of him. She scowled at him for a brief moment before promptly kneeing him in the groin as hard as she could. Reno hit the floor with a thud, holding his crotch and groaning in pain as the other men in the room winced; just the sight of it happening to someone else being enough to almost make them ache. Yuffie calmly returned to her place on the sofa, looking rather pleased.

"Yuffie's jealously aside…" Vincent started, but as soon as it was out of his mouth he received a death glare from her, causing him to put a protective hand in front of his lower region in case she decided to kick him as well. She made no move to get up, so he continued his sentence. "I think she may be on to something." he said glancing over at Tifa. "Breasts that big on a girl her size just aren't natural…"

"They _are_ a bit ridiculous…" Cid said slowly, giving the subject some thought.

Cloud finally spoke up. "Tifa, tell them they're wrong!" he urged her frantically. Tifa shifted in his arms, looking away from him, appearing unsure of herself. Cloud peered at her, trying to figure out what was wrong. "Tifa? They _are_ real…right?" he asked, starting to doubt their authenticity himself.

"Uh…This isn't about me!" Tifa stammered, wishing everyone would forget about it.

Cloud was shocked. "Oh my God…they're not-"

Tifa quickly turned to look him in the eye. "You, shut up." she commanded, poking him in the chest with her finger and effectively stunning him into silence. "Let's talk about something more appropriate…" Tifa said, desperately trying to change the subject. "Like…" she looked over at Reno who was had just been able to force himself to stand up after Yuffie's assault, and got an idea. "Reno's rod!" she exclaimed, happy to have found a substitute subject.

"Excuse me? My…what?" Reno asked being just as confused as everyone else as to what Tifa meant.

"You know, the rod you and all the other Turks fight with." Tifa explained, motioning towards the metal rod sticking out of Reno's back pocket with Shinra company logo printed on the side of it. The group breathed a collective sigh of relief that Tifa hadn't meant what they had assumed.

"Oh…you mean my electromagnetic rod. What about it?" Reno asked, pulling the weapon out of his pocket. "If you wanted to see my rod you could have just asked…" he mumbled under his breath, so quietly that Tifa couldn't hear from across the room, and thankfully neither could Cloud. Rude, on the other hand, heard him loud and clear and gave Reno a swift smack on the back of the head for his stupidity.

Tifa didn't notice this exchange between the Turks and continued her discussion. "Why do you guys fight with those things? They don't seem very powerful…"

"Are you kidding?!" Reno exclaimed, cutting her off. "These babies come equipped with high-level thunder materia and they pack a hell of a punch!" he said excitedly, showing off the weapon. "Just watch!"

Before anyone could stop him, Reno had charged a thunder spell and let it loose in the house. Yuffie shrieked and everyone ducked to take cover from the ball of light that was now bouncing around the room. It ricocheted off the walls and bounced behind the bar, breaking several bottles and glasses before coming back into the main room where it hit the ceiling and broke the light bulb that had been illuminating the room. It glanced off the floor once again and shot out the window, breaking the panes and leaving broken glass everywhere. Without the light, the room was completely dark except for the dim light of late evening coming in through the windows.

"Dammit Reno…" Cloud said through the darkness, knowing he and Tifa were going to be the ones who would have to clean up the mess.

"My bad…" Reno apologized and shortly after everyone could hear a sound that seemed to be Rude smacking Reno upside the head again.

Luckily Barret was able to find a spare bulb in one of the kitchen cabinets and screw it into the socket in middle of the room. When the lights turned back on, Tifa could be seen scolding Cloud, who had apparently been trying to cop a feel on her in the darkness.

Tifa quickly surveyed the room, noting that one of her guests was missing. "Hey, where's Vincent?" Everyone looked around but no one could figure out what had happened to him. "That's odd…" she said, wondering where he could have disappeared to.

What no one had noticed was that during the dark and confusion, Vincent had inconspicuously slipped into the corner, feeling the night calling to him. He pulled his cape over himself, and with a small pop and puff of smoke he transformed into a small bat and flew out the broken window into the night to fulfill his vampire duties.

After giving up on finding him, Tifa noticed what time it was. It was getting late and she had finally gotten a description for each of the group, so after some 'good byes' and hugs from her friends she ushered them out the door one by one. When she had closed the door after the last of her guests she leaned up against it and sighed, watching as Cloud began cleaning up some of the broken glass around the bar.

"Well…" Tifa mumbled to herself. "Today was certainly interesting…"

**The End**

**A.N.)** So there it is my very first humor fic. It turned out to be pretty long, but I guess that's okay. The symbols in place of Cid's cussing turned out weird because Fanfiction won't allow so many of them, but oh well. Maybe it won't be funny to anyone else but I found it quite entertaining as well as a lot of fun to write. As I said before, I love all of these characters dearly, but I just couldn't resist poking a little fun at them! As always, I encourage anyone who enjoyed it to please send me a review and tell me what you think. Thanks!

-Punkiemonkie


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